STEPS TO UNLEARNING BLACK HOMOSEXUAL OR BISEXUAL SELF-HATE

Same-gender-loving (SGL) Black people have never had a mainstreamed or sufficiently resourced space in the nation that aimed to empower, protect and affirm them. As a result, at this point, SGL Black folks must create spaces and opportunities for healing. Working toward resolving internalized oppression (or self-hate/doubt) requires developing sense of self-knowing (inner-self and life spectrum evaluation). To start, this is best done on an individual basis, or if you prefer, within a skillfully guided peer group process or with a private therapist. It is important to realize that self-hate is not independently acquired. Babies do not hate themselves. Self-hate is always the result of you being influenced or traumatized by an outside source (a parent, a cherished relative, church member, a guardian, a neighbor, the media, an abuser, a peer who was also hates themselves, etc.). Someone or a few sources have been allowed to manipulate yourself-concept. Upon evaluating yourself, unpacking the spectrum of your life and re-remembering the source of that selfdoubtand hate can help you to unlearn those influences. Within this process you can directly examine and locate if thesource (s) you have given credibility to determine your comfort or lack thereof - in your own body - deserves thatcontinued power over you, your thinking and your emotional state.An issue that disrupts the capacity for SGL Black males, especially and females to have a functional relationship is thecommunity level and/or individual co-participation in tendencies not to internally or critically evaluate or rediscover thesource or sources of sexuality (and sometimes race and gender based) self doubt. Once this vicious cycle begins, usually as a youth, and along your life path you run into disturbed Brother after Brother and are disturbed yourself, its can all appear like fate. But it is not fate. It is conditioning and the result of usually un-realized influences, and can be unlearned. You can walk right out of self-hate, self-destruction and doubt, and recover through a process of self-reflection, evaluation and unlearning the stair steps of self-hate.

FIRST STEP: Put the desperate for [false] public approval, acceptance and relevance aside (for your own good and healing), and admit that as a Black same-gender-loving man (SGL) you have or are at high-risk to have self-love challenges and self-hate problems. Because rarely, if ever, have you been fully acknowledged, affirmed, embraced, loved, supported and applauded by people that matter most to you or who are in your daily e environment - for being a homosexual Black male. Understand that none of this is your fault, but the result of circumstances, like childhood, which was out of your control. But you can control things now!

SECOND STEP: Cry if it hurts, and understand that actually facing this pain is healing and an initial step in clearing your internal path for self-discovery, remembering the footprints (connecting the dots), sources, people and incidents that led you to questioning your worth and valuing who and what you are - as a Black SGL male.

THIRD STEP: (which may also involve the second step of crying some more): Remember to re-visit childhood moments in which you discovered homosexual sensations in you, when you began to become self-conscious about being homosexual, when derogatory comments mattered, and you had shame around how you felt sexually and emotionally. Remember, who said it was bad? Who said it (therefore you) was (were) wrong? Who did you try to hide it from and why? What did you fear could or would happen if anyone knew? What painful experience did or has occurred resulting from you telling someone you were SGL? What painful thing happened when (and if) the “wrong” people found out? It is strongly suggested that you write all of this down (or use a computer).

FOURTH STEP: As you remember these faces, re-remember and focus on them (our subconscious has never forgotten them). Take a good look at each and every one of them, including human-beings called ministers, relatives, best-friends, etc. Examine, as you remember them, if indeed they were perfect enough to influence the rest of your life. Examine if they were flawless enough to really determine if you (or anyone else) is right or wrong. Focus intently on if any of these people really deserve the credibility to influence you into disrupting your potential for self-love and being content for who you are as you are, a homosexual or same-gender-loving Black male. You can choose to disarm their impact on your mind by tearing up the list you started during the Third Step. Or keep it to re-remember that while you may love these people, they do not have the credibility to determine how you feel about yourself.

FIFTH STEP: Sometimes the idea that being a homosexual Black male is negative is reinforced by running into a litany of other same-gender-loving (SGL) Black males who also hate themselves, who are abusive or mean-spirited, dishonest about who they really are, unwilling to communicate with you after a sexual encounter, unable to look you in your eyes and say “I love you,” or unable or unwilling to commit to a relationship with you after saying they would. Maybe you are throne in these relationships or encounters that acts all of this out. Reflect on this, on being on the receiving end of this behavior or being the one doing it. In either case, realize that this is not the result of fate, of God, a curse or a natural part of being a Black SGL male. It is the consequence of that many SGL Black males go through the same struggles that inspired development of this guide to unlearning Black SGL self hatred. When more SGL Black men begin to do this, more will heal and embrace who and what they are, co-creating a more functional and healthy community of SGL Black males.

SIXTH STEP: Repeat the first through fifth steps for as long as you need to (don't rush this process), until unlearning internalized oppression/self-hate becomes an automatic impulse when a self-hate relapse attempts to reclaim you. Also, use this process to unlearn hating other SGL Black men, another symptom of internalized oppression. Make a conscious effort to tap into your capacity to have or develop compassion for others who are going through the same thing you are.

SEVENTH STEP: Organize a group of other SGL Black men, if you know any. Initiate a discussion on “How did you feel when you first realized you were SGL?” After everyone has shared, follow that question up with, “Did anyone make you feel bad for being a homosexual Black boy or male?” For those who [say they] never struggled with their sexuality, ask them “How did you feel when first meeting or loving a man who did not love himself because he was SGL - ruining the relationship?” In either case, especially the first, it is very likely that a passionate dialogue will occur. At an appropriate time, as a group, go through the first through fifth steps. Doing this helps to build a social network of SGL men all who are working on the steps toward unlearning self-hate. This process can help you build a social network of critically thinking Black men also in the process of self and group healing. It becomes increasingly possible to meet a potential partner who has also decided to heal himself and have a more empowered life experience.

WARNING: Do not initiate a group process until you have done and have normalized - on a daily basis - doing your own internal work and mastering your own unlearning of self-hate. I recommend at least 2 months minimum of consistent internal work. If your wounds are so deep that these steps open you up to discovering you need professional support, it is HIGHLY recommended that you do so. Even then, this process will be an important part of your developing the capacity to internally reflect and unlearn the messages, remember the messenger, unlearn mythologies and remembering the sources that influenced you to go from a carefree baby, to a traumatized, self-hating adult. It is essential that why you have self-doubt, shame and self hate be moved from the subconscious, from where you repressed it, to your conscious mind. So you can begin managing your own life, instead of allowing people from the past (who do not deserve that credibility?) - with your permission - to mismanage your life.

EIGHT STEP: Spread this methodology (and give credit where it is due), and consider volunteering for (or starting) community organization that affirms you as an SGL Black man. Helping others can be an empowering and healing experience also.

I wish you success.

Respectfully,

Cleo Manago